Welp, I have my new glasses.
Also included in the package is an eye strain adjustment headache, a slight woozy feeling, the need to retrain my head, and being progressive lenses a constant reminder that I'm now old.
But I can see the pixels on the screen again! :D
@dissy But now your display isn't retina anymore!
@nulani That's OK, it didn't fit all that well anyway when trying to jam it inside my eyeball.
I guess that's what I get for lying to Apple about my measurements. I just didn't want them to judge me.
@dissy ALL THEM PIXELS!